Long Story

"That's alright. I taught special ed for years. I know all about 'long stories.'"

^This was by far the most painful response I've heard regarding my mental disability. You see, in 2010, my life changed forever. I was rushed to the ER and ended up having brain surgery. I'll avoid the details and just say that I was left a couple pennies short of a dollar. Granted, most people do not notice anything wrong with me. However, if you take a closer look, you'll see.

You'll see the cups all over my house because I can't remember where I put my water...so I just get another one(4+ times a day). You might even see me staring off into space while I clean my daughters bottle for over five minutes. If you are really observant, you'll notice that I'm finding it impossible to follow your simple directions. I probably laugh on occasion or nod when I lost track of what you were saying.

I get confused easy. Stressed even easier. Stress brings seizures. Seizures bring more confusion.

I definitely can't function to get a job. That being said, this is where I mention the opening quote. I was at the social security office when a woman and a man(who I don't know) asked why I needed my mom present. "Are you under aged?" They asked. "No," I replied. I am normally a private person when not comfortable. "It's a long story," I said, deciding that it would probably keep them from asking more questions. Well, I was right. They didn't ask anything else.

"I know all about long stories. I was a special ed teacher for years," the woman said.


After 4 years of collecting disability, I finally felt disabled. She hurt me in one sentence more than the scars or the looks of disgust during healing ever could.

As I sat in the passenger seat on the way home, I meditated on her words. I thought about being disabled. I thought of the stigma. Of how people treat others who are mentally disabled. It hurt. Suddenly, though, I thought of my daughter. Her beautiful face filled my mind. I remembered that no matter what limits I have, I am still an amazing wife and mother. Sure, the challenges are different for me. I have to make sure that someone watches me give my baby a bath. But, I always have someone to witness her growing with me. The changes of her behavior in the tub, from sitting still to splashes and screams of joy.

Yes, I am a mentally disabled woman. But I have a God who makes me a fully abled mommy. Normal can bite me.

14wks Prego Today :)

When so many thoughts and feelings invade your heart and mind that you feel possessed by these annoying hormones.....




my life.

Whoa

So...ya, I'm pregnant.

Sticky

Where to begin? I have been all over the place lately.

I love being a woman. You can smile, cry, laugh, and yell and people would just shake their heads mumbling, "monthly." No, I have not acquired the pure feminine awesomeness to achieve such a goal. However, I am a Master at forgetting everything beautiful in a day, life, relationship due to a hiccup. Is this just me? "Oh, I'm so blessed and happy." **5minutes and 1 incident later** "Son of a bitch."-_-

"For what communication has light with darkness?"

Grasping the shadowed phantom
Whispering truth into the ear of despair
More pain than I can fathom
The gloomy night's mist clings to the air


Am I pulling you forward?
Or falling into the abyss?
Am I still facing toward
The light
Or am I lost in the mist

Oh, King of the Light
Chase away this hopeless night
Teach me my birthright
Give me armor to fight

Though weary
My hope lies in you
For when you are near me
I know your words are true

So show me that you never leave
Reveal your everlasting seed

Planted in the fertile ground within my hand
The ground that will stand
Beneath his feet
That will forever defeat
The shadowed monster
That says he's dead
The wicked presence
Inside his head

Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Your Anger

"Don't let the sun go down on your anger"



I capture the rays of the setting sun in a jar,
I bleed and cry upon them
Till I've gone too far
Telling myself they'll light my way in the dark
I let this anger melt my heart

Every memory is a speck of light
Swirling in the darkest night

New words pierce and join the glow
Rare at first
But now we both know:

This jar is burning
Swallowing my soul

Can I throw it at the night?
Awake with it shattered come morning light?

Will the glass
Though empty
Pierce my tender flesh?
When I try to move on
Try to do my best

Frustrated

Signs I'm Pissed


Silence
Randomly taking a shower
Blogging
Crying
Did I say silence??